The art of arguing

Couples who are able to successfully resolve problems when they develop have the best chance to go on to a successful marriage. Problems early in marriage worsen over time rather than get better as many couples expect. Rather than viewing differences and conflicts as a sign of incompatibility, couples need to see them as opportunities for developing skills that they can use for the rest of their relationship.

The trouble is that couples have no opportunity to learn the necessary communication and problem-solving skills. The few who do were lucky enough to grow up among parents who had them. And while the skills can be learned, it is urgent for couples to learn them before problems develop. Couples are more motivated to work on issues when things are going well than when things are terrible. Besides, most couples early in a relationship form patterns of response that, like shells, harden around them--anger, resentment, depression--and are difficult to change.

About-to-be-married couples need to learn the rules and the boundaries for creating constructive conflict. Those who learn constructive arguing before marriage have half the divorce rate of those without such training. There are also lower levels of negative communication and two to three times less physical violence. These couples aren't just sticking it out, their satisfaction remains consistently higher than others as they march through the child-rearing years--a time other studies have shown to markedly reduce marital satisfaction.

Not only does the love life of couples improve, there are positive effects on the children, on their self-esteem and social development. This type of training gives kids the ability to manage conflict in relationships, and in themselves. The major point is that relationship discord is a significant risk factor for many forms of psychopathology in adults and children. Many problems brought to individual psychotherapy are really relationship problems rather than intra-psychic ones. First and foremost is depression among women. Our studies show a clear link between depression and marital problems which is the buildup of negative affect.

Managing conflict

What is central to the marital relationship is the ability to manage negative emotions. Thirty to fifty percent of couples are mutually abusive--now that's a sign of poor conflict management. Abuse erupts from the frustration of not being able to manage negative feelings.

Reactions to conflict should be the first line of attack in marital therapy. But not just any negotiating skills will do. The arguing skills must be learned in the context of the relationship. Some elements of conflict are relationship-specific. Marriage has a unique ability to tap into emotional issues from the families of origin.

Men and women handle conflict in radically different ways that subvert the relationship. Men flee, women fight; and they stay stuck in this pattern. Some researchers now believe that men simply have more difficulty than women in handling conflict--a result of early experiences, gender stereotyping, and especially, physiology.

Men feel pain differently. Men get more physiologically aroused--their hearts beat faster, they sweat more, and they move more--during marital conflicts, or even just anticipating them.

These signs are so unpleasant that, faced with relationship conflict, men “stonewall” or withdraw altogether--the listener presents a stone wall to the speaker. They don't move the face much, avoid eye contact, hold the neck rigid, and fail to give the usual listener responses. When a husband stonewalls, communication ends and marital satisfaction plummets. At first he physiologically withdraws; later, he withdraws emotionally. He becomes overwhelmed by his wife's emotions and avoids any conflict with her. She responds by trying to re-engage him--advancing as he withdraws, setting up an escalating pattern of anger and frustration. Miserable as it is, if couples stay in this pattern, there's some hope. But if the wife counter-defends herself by withdrawing, then essentially the couple is leading separate, parallel lives--heading down two tracks that never intersect. Men pay a high price for their escapist behavior: It precludes any hope for intimacy.

Accentuating the positive

While learning better methods of conflict management may be necessary for happiness, it is not sufficient to ensure it. There's more to a good marriage, and that, every study shows, is a whole lot of "positive affect"--the expression of affection that keeps the couple at a high level of satisfaction. Marital conflict by itself is not destructive for a marriage if it also includes positive affects such as humor, positive problem-solving, agreement, assent, empathy, and active non-defensive listening.

In one study, couples married 25 years or more were asked to cite the factors they believed contributed to the longevity of their marriage. Forty percent of the satisfied couples stated that they "have fun" together and treasure it. What's more, both partners agreed it was an element in their satisfaction. Among the couples only mildly satisfied or unsatisfied, fun, humor and playfulness were not even part of the picture. "A great deal of expressed affection" was high on the list of essential ingredients for a good marriage.

At the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor, a major study found that "affective affirmation"--the communication of loving and committed attitudes--is "by far the strongest predictor" of marital quality.

Affective affirmation of the self--unconditional approval from one's mate-through nonverbal exchange is so powerful in marriage that it brings about a remarkable transformation, what some call "accommodation." Each person winds up moving toward the spouse's innermost ideal of a partner. If he is accepted for the way he is, he winds up doing things her way. And she moves toward his way.

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