I spoke to a woman who had been married for 9 years and started to have feelings for someone she worked with. She said, “My husband is successful, smart, good-looking but the other guy makes me feel beautiful and special.”

Many people think that if they were better-looking or had more money, then things would be different. It’s not about getting thinner, better looking or making more money. Some of the wealthiest people in the world are by themselves; some of the most beautiful
people on earth are lonely. This is about how another human being feels about themselves when they’re with you. So, it isn’t about me, but how does my husband feel about himself every time he’s with me. And, it isn’t about my husband, but how do I feel about myself when I’m with him. If we both make each other feel so good about who we are, why would we ever want to be with anyone else?

We have the ability to make another human being feel that they are important, special, attractive, sexy, intelligent, funny, wanted and needed. That’s what a loving marriage is all about and that’s the lesson that needs to be learned. If you do, your spouse will never
again want to be with anyone but you!

Dr. Ellen Kreidman is a highly acclaimed relationship expert and the author of the best-selling programs, Light His Fire and Light Her Fire. For an effective way to deal with infidelity without marriage counseling, visit. www.LightYourFire.com.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Finding your Soulmate…News about counseling and mental health for those living in Schaumburg, Marengo, Crystal Lake, Barrington, Dundee, Wauconda and Lake in the Hills, IL…

Loves mysteries in soules does grow.
--John Donne

I have been thinking about soulmates a lot lately. Recently a fellow relationship coach told me the story of Heather, a woman in her early 40’s. She has never married, though she has had several lengthy relationships over the years. Then late last year she met Andrew. There was something different about Andrew. The conversations were richer, the walks in the park more romantic, the time together more comfortable and more vibrant. Heather is pretty intuitive, and this relationship felt different than any other she had experienced. She knew she had fallen in love and found someone with whom she could make a life commitment.

Andrew, however, was resistant. He acknowledged that their time together was special, that he loved Heather and that he really felt energized being with her. But, he said to Heather, “I don’t think you are my soulmate.” Andrew recalled a past relationship in which he and his partner would often find themselves simultaneously thinking the same thing. He also said that he envisioned a “soulmate” as being very much like himself, thinking that such similarity would help assure the success of the relationship.

Andrew also pointed to differences between them. He was from the South, while Heather was from Boston. Heather’s parents had graduate degrees and were upper middle class, while Andrew’s parents were working class folks. In addition, he noted, his company required him to relocate periodically and to travel a lot. He feared Heather would resent those moves, though she insisted she would not.

Despite Heather’s pleas to reconsider and her attempt to persuade Andrew that his resistance was contradictory to his description of their relationship, Andrew insisted that they end their relationship, though insisting he wanted to remain “friends.” Heather was heartbroken and puzzled. Did Andrew have it right—were they not really soulmates? But if that were true, why did her time with Andrew feel so right. What does it really mean to “find your soulmate?”

Thomas Moore, author of Soulmates, suggests that a soulmate is “someone to whom we feel profoundly connected, as though the communicating and communing . . . between us were not the product of intentional efforts, but rather a divine grace.” My wife and I have often referred to ourselves as “soulmates.” Thinking about Heather and Andrew has caused me to reflect more on what that really means. It certainly does not mean that we always agree—we don’t. Nor does it mean that we are exactly alike. We’re not. What then does this elusive term “soulmate” mean?

I would like to suggest that there are two criteria for a soulmate. First, a soulmate is one who shares your vision and attitude about life and views the world “through the same glasses” as you do. Second, a soulmate is as concerned about your happiness and your pursuit of your life’s dreams, as he/she is about his/her own.

As I worked through the pain, grief, and inevitable self-discovery following the end of my first marriage of over 25 years, I begin to realize that my first wife—a fine person with whom I continue to enjoy a valued relationship—and I viewed the world from a completely different perspective. I often told the story of being with our two children on Mt. Mansfield in Stowe, Vermont. One can drive to the peak of the mountain, but then it must be explored on foot. One of the natural attractions is the “Nose,” a rock formation that requires some modest agility to climb. My daughter—10 or 12 at the time, promptly scampered up to the crest of the nose. I followed as far as I could go before my fear of heights stopped me. When we climbed down, her mother asked “Why on earth would you climb up there?” My daughter Heidi promptly answered “Because its there.” I understand exactly what Heidi meant, though her mother did not. When I met my wife Carol I discovered that she was always the first one up the mountain—“because its there.”

I invite you to think about your vision of life and its purposes. Where is your life leading you? What is your purpose in life? What to you want to be, do, and have in life? Give some time to forming your vision or world view. Then armed with your vision be alert to a partner who brings a similar vision to life. Then be aware of whether this partner is as genuinely concerned about encouraging you to follow your dreams and pursue your life vision, as he or she is about pursuing his own. If you find all that, chances are you have found your soulmate.

Kenneth and Carol Sprang, direct Bethesda-Chevy Chase Counseling & Consulting in Bethesda, providing Imago Relationship Therapy, relationship and executive coaching, individual and couples counseling, and business consulting. (301) 907-3377. ken@singlestosoulmates.com.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

The Five Stages of Relationships…News about counseling and mental health for those living in Palatine, Marengo, Cary, Lake Barrington, Port Barrington, Dundee, Wauconda and Barrington Hills, IL …

Before you begin actually working on your relationship, you need to start by understanding relationships in general. You have probably heard couples say, “We knew the moment we saw each other across the room that this was THE ONE and we have been happily married for 45 years.” Although we all wish we could experience love this way, the reality is that for most of us, relationships go through certain stages. Relationships and marriages that evolve successfully generally go through five phases of development: Honeymoon; Accommodation; Challenge; Cross Roads; and Rebirth.

Phase 1: The Honeymoon (Love- ain't it great!)

This is the romantic, passionate, stars-in-the-eyes phase. The sex is good and there is never enough of it. This doesn't happen for all couples but as a rule, this strong attraction stage is laced with thinking about and wanting to be with, your new love.

Phase 2: Accommodation (O.K, so love isn't perfect)

Even Romeo and Juliet had they been married, would have had to deal with the day-to-day realities. In the Accommodation Stage roles are established, expectations are set and compromises are made. It is here that disillusionment sets in and power struggles become evident. The other person's habits, needs, anger and withdrawal patterns become uncomfortably clear. Intense conflict has the potential for developing during this stage. It is most advantageous to learn about problem solving, conflict management and communication during this stage.

Phase 3: The Challenge (Trouble in paradise)

A couple doesn't really know how strong a relationship is until they deal with the challenges that life brings. Whether it is starting a new job, unemployment or the unfortunate occurrence of an accident or family illness, we all face challenges in life. The Challenge Stage lets the partners know what they can expect from each other during these demanding times.

Children and family crises are important factors during this stage. Each partner sets their own rules and expectations for raising children and how extended family issues should be handled. The challenge here is to be aware of this fact and find a successful compromise in meeting each other's rules and expectations.

During the Challenge Phase there is a certain amount of disillusionment. The relationship is not what it was dreamed to be and one or both partners may be increasingly attracted to other people of the opposite sex. Sometimes, there is fantasizing about past loves. This is a time when the relationship is very vulnerable to unfaithfulness. How couples deal with this phase will determine the direction that it will take in the Crossroads Phase.

Phase 4: The Crossroads (What do I do at this stage of my life?)

Once couples reach this stage they have already experienced some challenges (e.g. medical or money problems) and now other life decisions will have to be made (e.g. to have children, where to live, how to spend money). This stage is different from the Challenge Phase because a number of challenges have already occurred and the couple has learned how each other responds in these situations. The emotional patterns of each are clear and they have established patterns of dealing with their differences. It is common for problems to arise in this stage, but because you have already experienced a great many shared challenges, you stand the best chance of working through these issues and getting to the Rebirth Stage. The three most common negative patterns for individuals to engage in during this stage are:

1. Being resigned to sticking with the bad decision of staying in the relationship;
2. Emotional withdrawal;
3. Trying to force the other person into being different.