Saturday, May 12, 2007

How to Stay Lovers While Raising Children ..News about counseling and mental health for those living in Schaumburg, Fox River Grove, Marengo, Palatine, Barrington, Dundee, Huntley and Crystal Lake, IL…

Dr. Ellen Kreidman, Ph. D.

“The best gift you can ever give your children is a loving relationship with your mate. The happiest, most well-adjusted children come from a home where mommy and daddy love each other.” Ellen Kreidman, Ph.D.

I have asked hundreds of couples who are still in love with each other and whose children are happy and well-adjusted, the secret of their wonderful relationship. Although each couple may say it differently, the bottom line is always the same. Their relationship has been, is, and always will be, their top priority.

Even couples with five or six children seized the chance to make love when the baby took a nap or when the older children were in school. These happy couples are the ones who would hire a baby-sitter so they could go to a movie, for a walk or have a romantic dinner alone.

They are the ones who would trade baby-sitting with a neighbor so they could spend a weekend alone together. As the children got older, these parents taught their children to respect their privacy when the bedroom door was closed.

These were not terrible, selfish parents. On the contrary, theirs was the healthy, normal behavior of a couple who respected their own sexuality and valued the romantic love they shared.

The ideas below may seem far-fetched to some people but I have incorporated every single one of them in my own life. After 37 years of marriage, I am still in love with my husband and have raised 3 happy, healthy, well-adjusted children.


1. A 10 Second Kiss Everyday - A peck on the cheek says, “I love you,” but a 10 second kiss says, “I’m still in love with you!”

2. A 20 Second Hug Everyday - When giving a hug, focus on sending love from your heart. It takes at least 5 seconds to block out all the outside distractions and another 15 seconds to exchange that loving energy with one another.

3. A 5 Second Compliment Everyday - When your head hits the pillow at night, ask yourself, “Did I make my mate feel good today? Did I give a compliment? If the answer is NO, you owe your mate two the next day.

4. 30 Minutes of Dialogue Everyday - Share your day. You need to spend 30 minutes of uninterrupted time talking to each other every day. If you don’t, then the days become weeks, and weeks become months and before you know it, you’re sitting across from a stranger thinking, “I don’t know you”!

5. Date Night Once a Week - It doesn’t matter where you go, as long as it’s just the two of you. You have 6 other evenings to be with your family and friends. This is your special night together.

6. Schedule Intimate Time Together on the Calendar - We put doctor and dentist appointments on the calendar. We even schedule car maintenance on the calendar. We also need to put the person who means the most to us on the calendar.

7. Do Something Spontaneous Every 6 Months - Inside every man there’s a little boy and inside every woman there’s a little girl waiting to come out and play. The man or woman who knows how to be playful is a joy in someone’s life.

8. Once Every 3 Months Schedule an Overnight Stay at a Hotel - Everyone goes on a honeymoon. A mini-moon every three months is very important. You have to stop seeing each other as mommy and daddy and instead as lovers. Many hotels have inexpensive get-away packages. It will renew your mind, body and spirit and give you more energy when you return.

9. Once a Year Take a One Week Vacation - You can be very creative so that it doesn’t cost a lot of money. You can make an agreement with a friend to exchange babysitting once a year. You can stay home and pretend you are at a resort. Having breakfast in bed, taking long walks, and just connecting in way that is not possible with your children there, fortifies your relationship for another year. Camping is another possibility. Going for hikes, eating whenever you want, sitting around the campfire, makes you more patient and relaxed when you return.

10. Make a “Do Not Disturb” Sign for Your Door. Explain to your children that mommy and daddy need time alone. Help your children make a sign for their door as well.

Learning how to put fun, romance and communication in your relationship will form a solid foundation for your children. Remember, if you don’t have a love affair with your mate, someone else will!

Ellen Kreidman, Ph.D. is a highly acclaimed relationship expert. She is the author of the Best Selling Programs “Light His Fire- How to Keep a Man Hopelessly and Passionately in Love with You” and “Light Her Fire- How to Ignite Passion and Excitement in the Woman You Love.” For more information on an alternative to marriage counseling visit her website, www.LightYourFire.com 

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Use the Pain of Infidelity to Make Your Marriage Stronger...News about counseling and mental health for those living in Schaumburg, Marengo, Crystal Lake, Barrington, Dundee, Wauconda and Lake in the Hills, IL…

Dr. Ellen Kreidman, Ph. D.

"I've been with someone else." Those words are like a wrecking ball that crashes through your life. The roller coaster ride that comes with infidelity is filled with hurt, betrayal, anger, love, threats, hope and depression. It may seem like your marriage is over... but it’s not.

While you may not think so, your pain will force you to grow. Pain is our greatest teacher. Regardless of where the pain comes from, there are always lessons to be learned. Physical pain alerts you to a problem in your body that needs attention. Emotional pain does the same thing. It tells you that there is a lesson that you need to learn so you can grow stronger. It usually forces you to look inside and ultimately to stretch, grow, and gain more knowledge and understanding about yourself and your marriage.

What I have told thousands of people in your situation is, “You can use this pain to make your marriage so strong, that no one and nothing can ever come between the two of you again or you can let your pain lead to the end your marriage. If you choose the first statement, I promise that I can help you have a different marriage and the healing will begin.

I know it’s easy to blame your spouse and especially the other person involved, but it’s much harder to look at yourself and ask, “Was there something lacking in me that made my spouse want to connect with another person?” Thousands of men and women, just like you, have learned how to use the pain of infidelity to make their marriages better than ever!

We were married for 8 years when I finally found out my husband was cheating. The crazy hours, nights, weekends - how could I have been so naïve! I lost all respect for him and felt so violated. If it weren't for the kids and lack of finances, I would have left. Over time, we learned to tolerate each other. He was sorry for what he did but I made him pay for it everyday.
One night I fell asleep on the couch and when I woke up at 2:00 A.M. there you were on TV talking about why people have affairs. It was hard looking at myself and for the first time understanding that what I said, what I did and what I didn't do, all contributed to him finding someone else. You were right, it takes 2 people to have an affair and once I took responsibility for my part, the healing began." Shannon T. - Lexington,

For 23 years I've helped couples understand the reasons why infidelity has happened and how to prevent it from ever happening again. I have never found a case where a man or woman woke up one day and spontaneously decided to go out and have an affair. It’s a decision that happens due to months or years of neglect and being taken for granted. If you use infidelity as a wake-up call, you can have a better marriage than you ever dreamed possible.

Why Infidelity Happened In The First Place?

Here is an eye-opening fact that Oprah had me repeat 3 times when I was backstage on her show. It really does explain the "Why" of marital infidelity.

A man falls in love because of the way he feels about himself when he is with a woman. When he doesn’t feel good anymore he’s going to find another woman who does make him feel good. That’s what an affair is all about. It’s not that he’s in love with the other woman. What he’s really in love with is the way he feels about himself when he’s with the other woman. A woman feels the same way. Do you know how many times a woman will say to me, “Dr. Ellen, now that I’m in love, I feel beautiful, I feel sexy, I feel special and needed.” We have a right to feel like that for the rest of our lives, and when we don’t, we try to find someone else who will make us feel good.

I was doing a radio show in Texas and a man called up and said, “I don’t believe this. I dropped a hamburger in my lap. I went to a pay phone and just had to call you up to tell you that what you’re saying is so true. For three years I have been having an affair and I couldn’t put into words why! My wife is pretty, she’s intelligent and she’s the pillar of the community. But the truth is that I feel like ‘nothing’ when I’m with my wife and I feel like a ‘king’ when I’m with this other woman.”