Friday, June 8, 2007

Infidelity Quickie: Feels Like the Agony of the Affair will Never End

Presented by Dr Mike Shery, 847 516 0899...News about  mental health and family counseling... serving those living in Gilberts, Crystal Lake, Elgin, Port Barrington, Huntley and Lake in the Hills, IL

These are real life extramarital problems managed in the consulting room.

In the first section the aggrieved spouse summarizes what he/she would like to say to his/her cheating spouse.

Note some of the goals mentioned aimed at helping him/her break free from the affair.

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Section 1: The aggrieved spouse says:

It feels like it will last forever. It will not end until S/HE acknowledges what s/he did and is able to ask for my forgiveness and show that s/he has changed the way s/he lives his/her life. I honestly want to mend the relationship with him/her, but s/he will not "own up" to what s/he has done.  S/he continues to act like a jerk for no reason. I don't want to have to find another partner and I certainly don't want to put any additional energy into a new relationship with someone else.

Section 2: Personal goals suggested by the therapist:

• Shift focus from the cheating spouse and declare your own goals for your quality of life.
• Value your gut feelings about your marriage as being valid.

Section 3: What the affair means to the aggrieved spouse and what he/she REALLY wants to say to the cheating partner:

• This pain drags on endlessly. I want to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I want hope.
• I would like you to want to save the relationship as I do
• .
• There are some standards I have for a relationship. I need to work on those – to let you know exactly what I’m talking about when I say that.
• I struggle with reading the signals from you (or other men). I doubt myself. I wonder if I can ever have a relationship where I feel peace.

What is your situation? Describe your situation. Let it flow. Don't hold back. Then, ask yourself, "What does this marital mean for ME?" What impact does his/her extramarital affair have on my feelings, thoughts and actions? Then rehearse approaching your spouse/partner with phrases that convey the meaning and impact of the infidelity for YOU.

Friday, May, 25, 2007

Presented by Dr Mike Shery, 847 516 0899...serving Woodstock, Crystal Lake, Elgin, Port Barrington, Lakewood and Lake Zurich, IL

How to be Emotionally Tough in Your Relationships

About: relationships, emotions, tough, marriage, personal development, independence,
  pain, emotional, counseling, counselor


I have a weird way of holding my pencil. Just about all my school teachers have attempted to change my pencil grip yet I refused to change. I was stubborn and stuck in my habitual ways. Maybe that is why my handwriting is still messy ;).

As I do now, like in school, I grip the pencil awkwardly. My thumb is perpendicular to the pencil and my index finger runs directly down the pencil. This left the pencil to rest against the last knuckle of my middle finger.

When I did a lot of writing, my awkward grip would cause the pencil to rub against the edge of this middle finger's knuckle thus making it sore. However, the more writing I did, the harder the skin would become and the less easily irritated it would get from its constant rubbing against the pencil. A callus eventually formed.

When you wear a poorly fit shoe, it hurts as your foot rubs against the shoe. Yet when you continually wear the poorly fit shoe, the sensitiveness and pain eventually subside as your body creates hardened skin.

Human nature gave us the same emotional characteristics as these physical characteristics. We get hurt from a new type of pain or intensity of pain that we have never experienced before. From this hurtful experience, our minds create an "emotional callus" that "harden us".

The next time we experience a similar painful event, we are less sensitive to what takes place and are more competent to handle the emotional pain. Wouldn't it be nice though to not have to experience such pain? Well, you can.

There are some psychological aspects you can change to toughen yourself up. Unless you want to join a boot camp with me yelling at you all day here is two quick techniques that you can use to develop emotional calluses so that you do not become filled with bitterness, resentment, and other feelings of ill-will that are common in those who do not forgive people. The emotional calluses will allow you to move on more easily instead of dwelling on the past as all types of resentment involve resisting the past.

The first one is becoming more self-reliant. Stop being dependent upon other people to make you feel a certain way. A person cannot hurt you unless you give them power to. You must take responsibility for how you feel, think, and act. In doing so, you will become more "hardened" and not as susceptible to little or big problems you would once dwell upon.

The second technique is to stop acting so small. Stop letting the little things emotionally eat you up. The people who so often whine and complain over little problems being "so bad", not only have a low self-esteem, but they have troubles in forgiving others because they frequently feel victimized. The world becomes "unfair" as they "always" feel they are picked on.

You can drastically reduce the resistance when forgiving others by developing a habit of being to big for petty problems. It is far easier to forgive another over something you feel they have not taken from you if you become bigger than the problem.

Joshua Uebergang can help you communicate effectively and develop yourself if you sign-up to his free newsletter at website http://www.earthlingcommunication.com

Friday, May 18, 2007

Fear of Intimacy: How to Get Intimacy in Your Relationships

Presented by:  Dr Mike Shery, marriage counselor, serving Marengo, Palatine and Cary, IL

Author: Joshua Uebergang

About: intimacy, marriage, relationships, connection, intimate, trust, fear, counseling


Finally, you have met someone that is interested in having a relationship with you. So far, you have noted that they have a great personality and seem to have everything together. But, in conversation with your other friends, you also note that there is something strange about this new person.

They don't want to be close to you. In fact, the conversations that you have had this far do not stimulate deeper levels of understanding each other. Even stranger than this, they have made no attempt to initiate contact with you at the deeper levels that you are used to.

Understanding fear of intimacy and finding ways to move past it, no matter which side of the relationship you are on, can help you into better and deeper relationships. Intimacy does not have to be something to pull away from. In fact, you can consider it as being a 'raw human,' one that is able to understand other humans on a level that connects from our foundations of being.

What is Intimacy?

Too often, our society has defined intimacy in different ways than it should be. This is one of the major factors that have led to the fear of being intimate with another. Typically, our culture will state that intimacy means being in a serious relationship with another person. The intimacy is something that should occur behind closed doors, not as a public display. Too often, intimacy has been described as exposing oneself in ways that are uncomfortable.

Intimacy is more than the physical connection of closeness and moves beyond ideas of exposure that are too often demonstrated. Intimacy simply means to create a connection with another human being on a naturally human level. It can be anything that is authentic and genuine, creating a complete connection between two individuals walking through life. Intimacy is not anything but a human connection between two individuals that leads to better understandings of what life is about.

Intimacy, at its root levels, means making a connection. When doing this, it simply takes trust. When someone is unable to be intimate with you, it is most likely because there is a fear of trust. This is not necessarily happening because of you are. It is happening because it is a defense mechanism in order for the other person to protect what they believe they have or do not have. If they do not trust someone, they do not get hurt. This leads them into a consistent cycle of pushing others away and keeping themselves with their clothes on.

Fear of intimacy for others, and maybe for yourself, begins at the root level of not wanting to be exposed. However, intimacy does not have to stop at this fear. You can begin to make changes by trusting that life is fine, even if your clothes are off. Making small connections with others, as well as beginning to define what you need to do to build levels of trust can lead you into being able to shake off your fears and begin to reach out to others on deeper levels.

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Joshua Uebergang has provided you with free relationship advice online which you can visit right now! Simply go to: http://www.free-relationship-advice.org