BLOG- Inside Marriage Counseling
Affiliated COUNSELING AND REFERRAL SERVICES (ACRS)
...serving Cary, Crystal Lake, Fox River Grove, Barrington, Schaumburg,
Palatine, Woodstock,
Lake in the Hills and McHenry,
IL...
DR. Michael Shery, Clinical Psychology
2615 Three Oaks Rd. Ste 2A; Cary, IL 60013
847 516 0899
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Need a Counselor to Fix your Marriage: 5 Essentials to Look For
1. Be sure your counselor is licensed as either a clinical social worker, psychologist or mental health counselor.
A psychiatrist typically has most of his training in medications and general medicine, with little training in counseling.
2. Be sure your therapist understands you; do you feel real empathy from him/her?
3. Does your therapist explain his/her objectives as s/he is counseling with you?
4. Do you learn specific communication techniques to resolve arguments?
5. Are you learning ways to manage your anger when communicating with your spouse?
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Marital Spats, Taken to Heart
By TARA
PARKER-POPE
Published: October 2, 2007
Arguing is an inevitable part of married life. But now researchers are putting the
marital spat under the microscope to see if the way you fight with your spouse can affect your health.
Recent studies show that
how often couples fight or what they fight about usually doesn’t matter. Instead, it’s the nuanced interactions between men and women, and how
they react to and resolve conflict, that appear to make a meaningful difference in the health of the marriage and the health of the
couple.
A study of nearly 4,000 men and women from
Framingham, Mass., asked whether they typically vented their feelings or kept quiet in arguments with their spouse. Notably, 32 percent of the
men and 23 percent of the women said they typically bottled up their feelings during a marital spat.
In men, keeping quiet during a fight didn’t have any measurable effect on health. But
women who didn’t speak their minds in those fights were four times as likely to die during the 10-year study period as women who always told
their husbands how they felt, according to the July report in Psychosomatic Medicine. Whether the woman reported being in a happy marriage or
an unhappy marriage didn’t change her risk.
The tendency to bottle up feelings during a fight is known as self-silencing. For men,
it may simply be a calculated but harmless decision to keep the peace. But when women stay quiet, it takes a surprising physical
toll.
“When you’re suppressing communication and feelings during conflict with your husband,
it’s doing something very negative to your physiology, and in the long term it will affect your health,” said Elaine Eaker, an epidemiologist
in Gaithersburg, Md., who was the study’s lead author. “This doesn’t mean women should start throwing plates at their husbands, but there
needs to be a safe environment where both spouses can equally communicate.”
Other studies led by Dana Crowley Jack, a professor of interdisciplinary studies at
Western Washington University in Bellingham, Wash., have linked the self-silencing trait to numerous psychological and physical health risks,
including depression,
eating disorders and heart disease.
Keeping quiet during a fight with a spouse is something “we all have to do sometimes,”
Dr. Jack said. “But we worry about the people who do it in a more extreme fashion.”
The emotional tone that men and women take during arguments with a spouse can also
take a toll on their health. Utah researchers have videotaped 150 couples to measure the effect that marital arguing style has on heart risk.
The men and women were mostly in their 60s, had been married on average for more than 30 years and had no signs of heart disease. The couples
were given stressful topics to discuss, like money or household chores, and the comments made during the ensuing arguments were categorized as
warm, hostile, controlling or submissive.
The men and women also underwent heart scans to measure coronary artery calcium,
an indicator of heart disease risk.
The researchers found that the style of argument detected in the video sessions was a
powerful predictor for a man or woman’s risk for underlying heart disease. In fact, the way the couple interacted was as important a heart
risk factor as whether they smoked or had high cholesterol, says Timothy W. Smith, a
psychology professor at the University of Utah, who presented the study last year to the American Psychosomatic Society.
For women, whether a husband’s arguing style was warm or hostile had the biggest
effect on her heart health. Dr. Smith notes that in a fight about money, for instance, one man said, “Did you pass elementary school math?”
But another said, “Bless you, you are not so good with the checkbook, but you’re good at other things.” In both exchanges, the husband was
criticizing his wife’s money management skills, but the second comment was infused with a level of warmth. In the study, a warm style of
arguing by either spouse lowered the wife’s risk of heart disease.
But arguing style affected men and women differently. The level of warmth or hostility
had no effect on a man’s heart health. For a man, heart risk increased if disagreements with his wife involved a battle for control. And it
didn’t matter whether he or his wife was the one making the controlling comments. An example of a controlling argument style showed up in one
video of a man arguing with his wife about money. “You really should just listen to me on this,” he told her.
What’s particularly notable about the study is that the men and women filled out
standard questionnaires about the quality of their relationships, but those answers were not a good predictor of cardiovascular risk. The
difference in risk showed up only when the quality of the couple’s bickering style was assessed.
“Disagreements in a marriage are inevitable, but it’s how you conduct yourself,” Dr.
Smith said. “Can you do it in a way that gets your concerns addressed, but without doing damage at the same time? That’s not an easy mark to
hit for some couples.”
Friday, August 31, 2007
Written by Jennine Estes, Marriage and Family Therapist Intern
Defensive behavior is one of the leading causes of on-going painful conflicts within a relationship, the type which can
lead to long term damage. Defensive behavior sends the message to your partner that their experiences and ideas are wrong, and that you are
in the right. However, as you may have seen, in these situations, a well meaning defense can quickly turn into a battle where each side is
unwilling to give in.
The Communication Battle Attack: History is full of those moments when a true defense was necessary. In romantic medieval
times, when a person was attacked, they defended themselves. They pulled out their armor, a shield and sword, and prepared to do battle. This
response was due their desire to protect their own safety. Thinking back to the previous situation, when during an interchange if your
partner is in a defensive position, it is generally because they don’t feel safe and possibly feel attacked. This leads them to put on their
armor for their own protection, and then pick up their own sword and attack. This situation is what I call a “Communication Battle.”
Situations such as these break down the family unit and place the combatants on opposing sides, fighting against each other in a vicious
pattern, one that creates little positive communication.
Defensive behaviors can also be a sign of deeper communication issues. Sometimes, no matter how carefully someone addresses
an issue with you, you automatically go into defense mode. This common response is often learned at a young age; when tough situations arise,
each of us naturally reacts in a certain way. This reaction becomes a crutch to help us through situations where we need help coping with our
own insecurities. However, we often become dependant on our crutches, and choose to keep them around far longer than they are actually
needed. If this sounds like you, it will take more of an effort to remove the crutch to change.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Bouncing Back After an
Argument
Presented by Dr
Mike Shery, 847 516 0899...News about mental health and family counseling
... serving those living in Schaumburg, Arlington Heights, Gilberts, Lakewood,
Dundee, Huntley, Mchenry and Marengo, IL
About: marriage, advice, abuse, counseling, couple, family, therapy, divorce
By: Mark Webb
Frequent arguments cause a lot of damage to a relationship. In each relationship, there is a baseline. This baseline is where
the couple wants to be. Everything is good and they feel close to each other. When they have an argument, they drop below the baseline and thus
need to return to the baseline so that they can feel close again. But suppose they get into another argument before they return to the baseline;
this pushes them even further below the baseline. They now have even more ground to cover before they can return to the baseline. If another
argument occurs, they push themselves even further below. This can go on and on until the baseline seem unreachable. The couple tries everything
they know but get nowhere. Doubt takes over and logic tells them that the relationship is irretrievable.
Abandon the notion that you need to address and resolve major issues when you are far below the baseline. It is futile to attempt resolution when
all you can see is despair. You need to take a time-out from the issues and focus more on staying connected. This usually comes down to shutting
up for the time being. The process of pushing the major issues towards resolution is typically what therapists do and the couple also believes
this is necessary but it is not.
The therapist often allows the couple to recreate an argument that they may have had a hundred times already. By viewing the couple in action,
the therapist gets an understanding of what happens between them. The couple leaves the office wishing they had come in separate cars but come
back week after week hoping the therapist will eventually tell them how to reconnect.
I do not allow couples to fight in my office. I tell them they can fight at home free. Instead, the focus is on returning to the baseline. I tell
the couple to stay away from the major issues that trigger the arguments for now. I often tell them not to argue at all and the following week
they report no arguments. I ask them how they did this and they respond with "You told us not to argue." It amazes me. Couples want to stay
connected. They do not want to fight and argue.
So to reiterate, you return to the baseline by giving the major issues or conflicts a breather until you feel closer to each other. The time
needed can vary depending on how much hurt has been experienced. One week to four weeks usually provides significant relief but it may take a lot
longer. It is vital that you shut up. I am going to cover a wide variety of different techniques to help you during those times you feel that you
have to say something. Remember, the closer you are to the baseline, the better chance you have at reconnection.
_____________________________________________________________________
Mark Webb is the author of How To Be a Great Partner and
founder of Partner Focused Relationships. Sign up for Mark Webbs Relationship Strategies Ezine . Just visit his website at www.powerfulrelationshipadvice.com or www.therelationshipspecialist.com.
Friday, August 17, 2007
How To Fight Fair In
Marriage
By: George Wood
One of the most important skills you need learn to keep your marriage healthy and strong is fighting fairly. Fighting can
happen in all marriages, not only in bad marriages. Researchers estimate that 25% are happy, 50% will never be happy without therapy. 30% of
marriages are considered to be empty and having only a little love or joy. 25% of marriages could really be happy if they would communicate
better and if they learned how to resolve conflict.
This latter of 25% is the one that should be focused on. The difference between a bad fight or a bad marriage and a bad fight or a good marriage
is learning to fight fair. You can have an overall good marriage even you have a bad fight. Actually, couples who fight in a productive way and
end the fight right, report more marital satisfaction. In two words, fight fairly is what separates the couples who fight and make up from the
ones who fight and do not.
As it follows, seven tips for fighting fairly in a marriage are presented:
1. Fair fighting involves focusing on the behavior not the person.
2. Direct requests are also used in a fair fighting couple. They ask if they want their partner to behave differently. This way the whole idea
would be exposed clearly. For example, instead of saying I need you to change you can say Please place your dishes in the sink from now on.
3. If you want a fair fight, limit your focus in arguments. Instead of kitchen sinking an argument (meaning when a person is complaining about
everything at the same time, and throw in the kitchen sink for good measure) you can focus on one issue at a time.
4. Healthy respect and good nonverbal communication are maintained by fair fighting couples. A well known marital researcher at the University of
Washington, John Gottman, has highlighted the importance of good nonverbal marital communication, and has identified four behaviors leading to
relationship distress. Contempt is one of these behaviors. Non-verbal contempt (eye-rolling, avoiding eye-contact, shaking their heads) can be a
cause for relationship distress if this shows up in a couple.
5. The end of a fight is allowed by fair fighting couples. Letting the fight be over when it is done with it, is one important element of
fighting fairly. This way is easier to forgive if not to forget. Just to prove a point, they do not bring up old issues again and again. This way
the couples take the chance to make up and reconnect at the first opportunity.
6. It is recommended that in a fair fight, couples discuss issues sooner rather than later, because it is easier to talk about a small issue,
before it becomes too big and overwhelming or leads to extreme resentment.
7. The couples, in a fair fight should focus on winning in the relationship not on winning the fight for them just to prove they are right. They
must remember that they are allies rather than enemies, and they must remember that they are on the same team and working on the same goals.
Instead of focusing on their personal ego, they should rather focus on keeping the relationship as their main focus.
The skill of fair fighting can be learned. It is likely that fewer marriages would end in divorce if more people learned to do it. It is a true
fact that all marriages will have fights, but it matters how you handle each fight, and this will determine whether your marriage is a happy or
unhappy one.
Always remember this: Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the
right mate, but through being the right mate. - Barnett R. Brickner
Monday, August 13, 2007
Presented by Dr Mike Shery, 847 516 0899...News about mental
health and family counseling
... serving those living in Schaumburg, Arlington Heights, Gilberts, Lakewood,
Dundee, Huntley, Mchenry and Marengo, IL
About: marriage, advice, abuse, counseling, couple, family, therapy, divorce
Why
Do So Many Marriages Breakdown?
I believe that one of the
basic fundamental reasons is the lack of giving love freely to
one another. When two people come together and unintentionally
only expect to receive love, then ultimately there will be no
giving or receiving of love for either. However, when two people
come together and give their love, both people give and receive
love in abundance.
The secret is you can only give what you possess. To have a
good relationship with someone else you must first have a good
relationship with yourself. To be capable of giving love to
someone else you must truly love yourself. I don't mean in a
vain shallow way, I mean in a wonderful healthy way.
The following words written by Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D. are
extremely profound:-
CHILDREN LEARN WHAT THEY LIVE.
If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for
themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to
have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn
respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in
themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a
nice place in which to live.
So many of us have not been given the love we all deserve but
it is never too late to learn. We can all learn to be more
confident, build self-esteem and love and accept ourselves as we
are. The first step to changing anything is to be aware of it.
We must be honest about how we take care of ourselves. Try
answering some of the following questions:-
Do you love yourself?
Do you know that you are special?
Do you speak kindly to yourself or do you beat yourself up for
the mistakes you make?
Do you feel confident?
Are you calm and peaceful in most situations?
Do you like yourself and are you proud of your beliefs?
Are you happy with the way you look?
Family and marriage counseling can help us feel better about ourselves. Counseling can create
inner peace and build confidence. It helps to get rid of
stress, anxiety, frustration, and anger. It can also help us to be more
grateful and appreciate others, become more tolerant
and harmonious, have a better outlook on life, and have the
benefit of more satisfying relationships. Counseling is a huge step to
improve the life you are living. It can provide
emotional benefits that will change your life in a positive way, thereby
allowing you to enjoy and improve your relationships.
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